The Anxious Thoughts Test

Being new is stressful. I had waited for this opportunity to make connections and build friendships. But there I sat feeling alone in a sea of people. And while everything was beautiful and the words were friendly and I was included, watching all those happy friends enjoy one another made me want to curl up and hide on the inside. Or better yet . . . run away.

My brain knew that it takes time to develop relationships. It takes working, playing, and doing life together for a while to grow into friendships that encourage and nurture. My brain knew this, however my heart was not being patient. My heart was breaking. My heart wanted it now.

Seeing his chance, Satan began his attack. You don’t fit in. They don’t need your help. You have no friends. People don’t like you. They are better than you. You should run. His whispers filled my thoughts building a wall. The more I listened, the less I tried to connect. I didn’t run away, but I didn’t make the most of my opportunity to build friendships in this new place. I knew I needed help to overcome.

When I returned home, I tried to work through my feelings. I prayed, “Lord, why am I feeling this way? I want to serve in this church, but these anxious thoughts are dividing me.” Through reading His Word and prayer, I was encouraged. Psalm 139:23-24 revealed the truth I really needed:

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me, and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

What did my anxious thoughts reveal? Maybe they revealed that I don’t think I’m worthy enough for the Lord to use, or that I don’t think God has given me good enough gifts to be used in His kingdom. Maybe they reveal I think He can’t fix my brokenness, that there will never be a place for me among His people. If this is what my anxious thoughts reveal hidden in my heart, then I am sure it is offensive to Him. Lord, forgive me, for I know in my mind this is not who You are.

You are the God who cleanses me and makes me an instrument for noble purposes, holy and useful to do any good work (2 Timothy 2:21).

You are the Father in heaven who knows how to give better gifts than my earthly father. You give the Holy Spirit to help in all things (Luke 11:11-13).

You are the One who sent Jesus to bind up the brokenhearted, to free the captives, to release prisoners from darkness, to show Your favor, to comfort, to give provision, to bestow beauty and gladness and praise in our hearts for You. You are the One who makes Your children oaks of righteousness, a planting for the display of Your splendor (Isaiah 61:1-3).

The way everlasting is not found in my mixed up emotions and self-destructing thoughts. The way everlasting is found in the truth of His word. Here is what Psalm 139 revealed to my aching heart: I cannot entertain Satan’s lies and claim the Lord’s truth, for one cancels out the other in my heart and mind. If I believe I am useless, empty, and broken, then I cannot believe at the same time that I am useful, filled with the Holy Spirit, and mended together in Christ. I am either one or the other. By believing the lies, I am like a spoiled child who screams, “You don’t do anything for me!” This is not true! My Father has gone to unimaginable lengths for me. His love and gracious gifts are infinite and not defined by my circumstances.

If we are going to walk this life as a children of God, we will need to be purposeful about what we believe. Anxious thoughts reveal the hidden heart. Taking the time to wrestle through those whispering thoughts with the Lord in prayer and in studying His word is essential. We won’t overcome without Him. Our Lord is good, and He will reveal the lies we are gripping tightly. If we loosen the grip on the lies allowing them to slip from our grasp, we will be free to hold tightly to Jesus.

God does not allow us to be uncomfortable without reason. He allowed my anxious thoughts to reveal to me that I cannot keep entertaining the lies and claiming the truth. With all my heart, I want to claim His truth. So, I have resolved to work through all of my anxious thoughts with the Lord in order to reveal what hidden lies I am believing. I have resolved to start each day choosing joy. I have resolved to be a thankful child of God. Maybe you are like me. If so, I invite you to do the same. In His truth, we will be oaks of righteousness unmoved by the whispering winds of the enemy.

Dear Lord, Thank You for sending Your son. May I never forget what unimaginable lengths You have gone for me. Forgive me for holding tightly to the lies. Let me see them as lies, and help me to let go of their self-destructing power. Help me to soak in Your truth, and grow me so that I may shine Your glory to those around me. In Jesus’s name, Amen.