The Anxious Thoughts Test

Being new is stressful. I had waited for this opportunity to make connections and build friendships. But there I sat feeling alone in a sea of people. And while everything was beautiful and the words were friendly and I was included, watching all those happy friends enjoy one another made me want to curl up and hide on the inside. Or better yet . . . run away.

My brain knew that it takes time to develop relationships. It takes working, playing, and doing life together for a while to grow into friendships that encourage and nurture. My brain knew this, however my heart was not being patient. My heart was breaking. My heart wanted it now.

Seeing his chance, Satan began his attack. You don’t fit in. They don’t need your help. You have no friends. People don’t like you. They are better than you. You should run. His whispers filled my thoughts building a wall. The more I listened, the less I tried to connect. I didn’t run away, but I didn’t make the most of my opportunity to build friendships in this new place. I knew I needed help to overcome.

When I returned home, I tried to work through my feelings. I prayed, “Lord, why am I feeling this way? I want to serve in this church, but these anxious thoughts are dividing me.” Through reading His Word and prayer, I was encouraged. Psalm 139:23-24 revealed the truth I really needed:

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me, and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

What did my anxious thoughts reveal? Maybe they revealed that I don’t think I’m worthy enough for the Lord to use, or that I don’t think God has given me good enough gifts to be used in His kingdom. Maybe they reveal I think He can’t fix my brokenness, that there will never be a place for me among His people. If this is what my anxious thoughts reveal hidden in my heart, then I am sure it is offensive to Him. Lord, forgive me, for I know in my mind this is not who You are.

You are the God who cleanses me and makes me an instrument for noble purposes, holy and useful to do any good work (2 Timothy 2:21).

You are the Father in heaven who knows how to give better gifts than my earthly father. You give the Holy Spirit to help in all things (Luke 11:11-13).

You are the One who sent Jesus to bind up the brokenhearted, to free the captives, to release prisoners from darkness, to show Your favor, to comfort, to give provision, to bestow beauty and gladness and praise in our hearts for You. You are the One who makes Your children oaks of righteousness, a planting for the display of Your splendor (Isaiah 61:1-3).

The way everlasting is not found in my mixed up emotions and self-destructing thoughts. The way everlasting is found in the truth of His word. Here is what Psalm 139 revealed to my aching heart: I cannot entertain Satan’s lies and claim the Lord’s truth, for one cancels out the other in my heart and mind. If I believe I am useless, empty, and broken, then I cannot believe at the same time that I am useful, filled with the Holy Spirit, and mended together in Christ. I am either one or the other. By believing the lies, I am like a spoiled child who screams, “You don’t do anything for me!” This is not true! My Father has gone to unimaginable lengths for me. His love and gracious gifts are infinite and not defined by my circumstances.

If we are going to walk this life as a children of God, we will need to be purposeful about what we believe. Anxious thoughts reveal the hidden heart. Taking the time to wrestle through those whispering thoughts with the Lord in prayer and in studying His word is essential. We won’t overcome without Him. Our Lord is good, and He will reveal the lies we are gripping tightly. If we loosen the grip on the lies allowing them to slip from our grasp, we will be free to hold tightly to Jesus.

God does not allow us to be uncomfortable without reason. He allowed my anxious thoughts to reveal to me that I cannot keep entertaining the lies and claiming the truth. With all my heart, I want to claim His truth. So, I have resolved to work through all of my anxious thoughts with the Lord in order to reveal what hidden lies I am believing. I have resolved to start each day choosing joy. I have resolved to be a thankful child of God. Maybe you are like me. If so, I invite you to do the same. In His truth, we will be oaks of righteousness unmoved by the whispering winds of the enemy.

Dear Lord, Thank You for sending Your son. May I never forget what unimaginable lengths You have gone for me. Forgive me for holding tightly to the lies. Let me see them as lies, and help me to let go of their self-destructing power. Help me to soak in Your truth, and grow me so that I may shine Your glory to those around me. In Jesus’s name, Amen.

Woe to Obstinate Me

I was always a daddy’s girl. Disappointing him was something I never wanted to do. So that was not my intention on the spring day when the azaleas were in full bloom and I decided I needed a big bouquet of them in my playhouse. I visited each bush and broke off big branches for my display. I remember the delicate petals on their fairy-pink blossoms. I also remember the look on Daddy’s face, the tone in his voice when he saw what I had done. I must have mutilated his bushes. It was the only time I ever remember being punished by him. I worked hard to be extra perfect to get back in his good graces after the azalea incident. I needed to do lots of good things to undo the bad thing I had done. If I worked hard enough, my mistake would be overlooked and forgotten, and my punishment would be curtailed.

This is a logical way to view my earthly daddy, but would not hold up in a just court of law. In our American justice system, if you commit murder, then you will be tried and punished according to the law. If you have been found guilty, you won’t be able to cry and promise never to do it again. You won’t be able to donate lots of money to the poor or adopt a whole bunch of orphans or build a new hospital. No. Your good works will not make amends or pay your debt to society. You will most likely go to jail, or even be sentenced to death, because that is the penalty for murder in our country. Justice is fair.

This holds even truer for our heavenly Father. His justice is firm, for He cannot be manipulated or coerced like our human courts. Surely, the penalty set forth will be assigned. He set down the laws and that punishment at the beginning of creation. Romans 6:24 tells us that “the wages of sin is death.” So many people think that if God is loving, He would not have a punishment that is so harsh. Yes. He is loving, but God is also immutable and just. God would be unjust if He did not follow through the same with each person.

God did not leave us to suffer in His justice, He also offers mercy – if we will just take it. The rest of Romans 6:24 tells us, “but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” The cross where Jesus died is where justice and mercy collide. The cross is where God can be both just and loving. Why? Because Jesus offered himself in your place; he offered to take your punishment that must be served because God is a God of justice. You could not have taken that punishment and live. But Jesus could. In His love, God devised a way for His justice to be served, and you to be forgiven. Beautiful redemption!

The problem arises with us. The problem arises in me. I tend to treat my heavenly Father like my earthly father. I run around in circles crying and promising never to do it again. I work extra hard to be extra perfect to prove I’m good. I try to follow all the rules to show how good I am. I want to prove myself worthy, prove myself perfect. That’s a problem, mainly because I’m not.

Sometimes when I’ve goofed up and sinned, I try to clean up the mess. I put things back in order. I cover up my tracks. I tidy it all up, work to be extra good, and hope no one notices. Good works, I think, will make me forgiven and holy. Other times I talk to my friends and self-justify. You know – the blame game, or passing the buck. It’s not my fault. It’s someone else. Look what they did! Good works and never claiming the misdeed as my own: these are the ways I self-justify. I bet you’ve done this too. It’s exhausting, isn’t it?

We aren’t alone. The Bible is full of examples of how the Israelites did this very thing. The book of Isaiah is one such place. The title for chapter 30 in my Bible is “Woe to the Obstinate Nation.” The LORD describes through the prophet how Israel keeps turning away from Him, going back to idols, “carrying out plans that are not mine,” He says (v. 1). He calls them rebellious, deceitful children who refuse to listen to instruction, which is why they have suffering, misfortune, affliction, grief, and ruinous trouble. Refusing His instruction and offers is their woe.

He has a plan and He has given them instruction, but they aren’t listening. They are doing things their own way. God highlights how they have run to Egypt for protection, and have depended on something other than Him for their survival. This is why He says “Woe to the obstinate children,” in verse 1. Clearly, we can all see, God is the one they should trust. He is the one that will protect and provide for them, but they didn’t see it.

In verse 15, God reminds them of His plan and His instruction: “In repentance and rest is your salvation; in quietness and trust is your strength . . .” He tells the Israelites they don’t need to go to Egypt to cover their mistakes. They just need to confess their mistakes and turn from them. They just need to be quiet and trust in Him but they don’t. The next part of the verse says, “but you would have none of it.” Oh! It breaks my heart. God is offering the Israelites freedom and rest and salvation and strength, but they don’t take it. They turn up their noses and run back to their sin and their own ways. “No thanks, God. I’m going to do it this way,” they say to Him.

This is all so easy to see . . . when we’re looking at the Israelites. But why don’t we see it in ourselves when we too try to self-justify our own sin instead of repenting and resting in His salvation? If we would stop passing the buck, and playing the blame game . . . If we would just repent by confessing our part and turning from it, then we would be saved, forgiven, free. Then we could find rest. Then our own chapter title would not be “Woe to Obstinate Me.”

I am not sure if it is arrogance, ignorance, or our default of “do good works to make amends” that keeps us from reaching out to the LORD. Maybe it is a little of all three. The Word of God tells us over and over that it is our confession of sins, our repentance, and our faith in Christ’s propitiation on the cross that rights our relationship with the LORD, not our good works. Will we do good works? Yes, out of thankfulness and honor to our LORD, but not seeking forgiveness and not attempting to win His favor.

As the story of the Israelite’s goes on, Isaiah 30:18 is a beautiful picture of God’s compassion and mercy in our self-inflicted times of woe. Listen to His sweet voice: “Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; He rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for Him!” Can you hear the longing and love in His voice? I can. And it is this sweet voice that captures my heart and beckons me to change. In my movie mind, I see our Lord Jesus Christ sitting on His throne. I see him watching as we struggle, floundering in our inability to do what needs to be done. He has compassion in his eyes, for we are His. He stands up from his throne anxious to help us, and at just the right moment, he steps into history – a baby born in a manger, a baby who will grow to be a man and do the thing we could never do – die for our own sins. Because the LORD is a God of justice. Punishment must be extoled. Those who wait for him, who hope in him, they are blessed.

We are blessed with forgiveness, with redemption. We are blessed with His holy presence. We are blessed with His love and compassion, His protection and provision. The cross of Christ is both justice and love for those who would claim it. The Israelite’s problem was that they did not listen to the LORD. They attempted to do things on their own. That was their woe, and it is an example to us. Let it not be said of us, “woe to the obstinate nation.” Instead, let it be said of us, “They are blessed, for their hope is in the Lord. They found salvation in repentance and rest. They found strength in quietness and trust. They wanted all of it!” Let that be us!

Dear LORD, I know that I sometimes don’t see where I am “going back to Egypt.” Forgive me. Open my eyes. Help me to be aware of my tendencies. Help me to turn from them and put my trust in You. Help me to rely on Your great plans and not my own shameful one. Thank You for Your great mercy. You are wonderful! I want to honor You all the days of my life. Give me the perseverance to do this. In Jesus’s name, Amen.